How would you know if you were in a healthy relationship? What is a healthy relationship? Or why can't I have a happy/healthy relationship? Many factors go into have a fulfilling and loving relationship and what I find is the hardest thing for couples to come to terms with is that both people are responsible for the relationship. Yes, you heard that right, both people are responsible for the relationship. Your job is to take care of your partner and if your partner's job is to take care of you (emotionally). If you come to a point where you don't want to take care of each other's emotional health then you don't want to be in the relationship. It's that simple. You both chose each other for a reason.
We all bring in our "baggage" into any relationship that we are in, whether it's how we grew up, our lack of affection shown by our parents, or past relationships. The key is how do we overcome these obstacles and not bring that into our current relationship. When I work with couples, I determine if they are securely attached or insecurely attached. Attachment is essentially how we were tended to when we were babies and young children. Securely attached children will be able to play by themselves but know that their caregiver is close by in case they need anything, so the child is content. They have been tended to as infants and young children, secure in the fact that if they cried or were scared their caregiver will be there. Insecurely attached children don't have the comfort of believing that their caregiver will be there for them, so they become anxious, and at times, they lack the ability to trust. Think of a young baby who is crying in their crib, where he/she turns red and screams on the top of their lungs. Essentially, that baby is crying for his/her life, babies depend on their caregiver to live, it truly is life or death. If they are not tended to, the baby becomes insecurely attached, which affects their lives. They can't trust that the person who loves them will take care of them. Now what I describe above is a simplistic explanation of Attachment, but I think it's helpful for my clients to know why we do the things that we do.
It's false to think that only securely attached people can have healthy relationships, in fact, insecurely attached people can have a "secure functioning relationship." The main goal to having a secure functioning relationship is to understand where your partner comes from and the effect their childhood has had on them and you must take care of your partner. If you take care of your partner then your partner will take care of you, it's really that simple. The key is to figure out what is going on with your partner, beneath the anger. It's not about the socks on the floor or the dishes not being done. It's about counting on your partner and not getting what you need. Relationships are complex and take work, but in the end the connections you make and the joy and fulfillment is worth it.
For more information on attachment, please go to:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment.html